"I am playing with myself,
I am playing with the world's soul,
I am the dialogue between myself and el espiritu del mundo.
I change myself, I change the world."

Gloria AnzaldĂșa

07 November, 2008

Embarrassing Personal Revelation #892

Joni Mitchell once wrote, "All I really, really want our love to do is to bring out the best in me and in you, too."

It didn't.

My partner and I have separated. We tried. We really tried.

I am embarrassed to admit this. I even considered erasing this blog from the internet so that I would not embarrass myself or her. But my whole purpose in blogging was to have some kind of a community where I could be open and explore my writing in a personal way. You have shared the good things with me. You have seen my ugly 5K Ass Project photos. It would feel cowardly to just disappear.

Plus, I could use the support.

33 comments:

allmycke said...

At the beginning of August, my life changed in ways I never would have imagined even a month or two earlier. I was really hurting.
When I wrote about it on my blog, I got more support than what I could have dreamed of.
I am so glad I had a place to sort things out at, to vent (sometimes) and pour some of all those feelings into....
I'm here and probably hundreds of others - ready to step up and be a shoulder to lean on, an ear to chew at or a hand to hold.

The Other Laura said...

Oh Professor J! I am truly sorry.

I'm sending you good thoughts today.

(There's nothing embarrassing about having a relationship fail. It has happen to everyone.)

we_be_toys said...

Oh honey, I'm so sorry to hear ya'll broke up! I wish there was something wise or profound I could say, other than I am so very sorry to hear the sad news. I'm sending you a big hug right now, because you are infinitely loveable and I feel sure you will find love again.

(This sounds so trite and pappy, but I DO mean it.)

Mary Alice said...

Professor J, it is all the moments of our lives, all our experiences, all the people who are with us for a season or a lifetime, all the good things, the bad things, the beautiful things and the things that are ugly that make us who we are at any moment in time. We are constantly evolving…or should be….and I think that your readers will stand by you as you continue with this journey called life. My best to both you and Susan.

phd in yogurtry said...

I'm so sorry. It's so hard recovering from a break up. Especially when you shared a home.

But why embarrassed? Were you warned against? A previous post may tell me the answer (link, please?)

Claire B. said...

Oh, Prof J, I'm so very sorry.

We all adore you, we're here for you, and we feel the pain right along with you. There is nothing easy about relationships whether they end or not. Good for the two of you for trying and realizing what is best for you.

Be well and healthy, and take care of you.

Peggy Sez.. said...

I am so sorry and of course you had to tell us..Friends listen.

Take care,you are in my thoughts.

Damn thats sounds scary in itself, you should see whats in there :)

jenontheedge said...

I am so very sorry.

I am sending you hugs and positive thoughts.

Professor J said...

Thank you friends. And why embarrassed? Because I thought this was "the one" and I told you all as much.

K. said...

Maybe she was "the one" for a while? There's nothing to be embarrassed about, love isn't logical or smart, it is what it is and I'm so sorry that it's over.

I don't know you well Professor J, but I would be SO PISSED (and sad) if you just disappeared. I want to find out what happens next, and support you on your way to it. That's as good a definition of friendship as any.

Thanks for being brave and sticking it out here with us. We won't let you regret it.

Lisa Milton said...

I am so very sorry. Please take care.

(Thank you for your kind words this morning. Community? I count on it too.)

Irish Goddess said...

Oh, I am so sorry for you. I hope you both find strenth and comfort. You said you tried and tried, no one can ask more. Know that there are many of us out here thinking of you and sending you warm hugs.

Laura/CenterDownHome said...

I can't say it any better than Mary Alice. Our culture uses phrases like "the one" and "last forever", but sometimes even something really good, that is meant to be in your life, isn't meant to last forever. Why does that make it "less than"? Some people stay together forever out of simple inertia.

Holding you in the Light --

Laura

Mrs. G. said...

Well hellz bellz I'm glad you didn't delete this blog about YOUR life (which Susan is one part of).

At our age, embarrassment is a huge waste of time. You were heartfelt in expressing your love and there is nothing wrong with that...but love is tricky and that is a frickin' frackin' fact.

While I know it's tempting--don't go into hiding.

Sunshine said...

Sweetie pie....so very sorry. Hope there are some people who can help you put your heart back together.

:(

Saucy said...

Well isn't this a fine day? Hmph! First Miss Lisa finds her little problem over there and she is a bundle of worry and now this to fret over. Whatever are the lot of us to do?

Good on you for posting it. We needed to know so we can be there for you. Things are going to get better - breakups certainly suck.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

As usual Mrs. G and Mary Alice have all the right things to say.

We're here for you.

so NOT cool said...

Oh, how I wish that I had the most sage and comforting words to fill this space. I can only say that I'm sorry and that my small comment offers support in some way.

Some years back, I disappeared from the internet. I regretted it so much. I thought that it would be like purging my house where I would feel better afterwards, but I didn't. Just move forward, I say. It's all that I can offer besides my heartfelt best wishes for you.

so NOT cool said...

*that I hope my small comment offers support in some way.

Cha Cha said...

Professor J., you left such kind, encouraging words on my blog in response to my current post-break-up funk ... and you didn't even mention this. You poor dear.

Well, what I have learned thus far ... do blog about it, because you will be amazed at the support you will receive. And it's cathartic.

Beyond that? I'm eating a lot of pudding.

Don't be embarrassed b/c you said this was "The One." B/c if you're embarrassed, then I have to be embarrassed about that, too. I'd been fixing up my house ... to sell when we got married. Which I had told evvvvvveryone.

The truth is that the people who love us want us to be happy and will never say "Yeah, but you said ..." And everybody else? Fuck 'em.

Be kind to yourself. We will both get through these things. And I'm so glad you introduced yourself - I will be back.

Jozet at Halushki said...

((((gentle hugs))))

I'm so sorry.

Please don't be embarrassed and please, please don't leave.

apathy lounge said...

I am so, SO sorry. Everyone is right. You need the blog if only to express what feelings you feel like expressing. We're here. We're thinking about you guys.

mental mosaic said...

I am so sorry, Prof. J. Please don't be embarrassed, there is no shame to be had in this at all. Hang in there. I love your blog and your voice and I think I speak for other readers of your blog when I say that we don't care if you need to vent, that's what friends are for, right? Take care! Hugs! ~Tui

Minnesota Matron said...

Love and support from the Matron, who just found out from the other half of the heartache. Sometimes the news is bad and that's when the community you're building here does GOOD!

Ginaagain said...

I'm terribly sorry to hear your sad news but I am so thankful that you didn't just delete your blog. I would have been so sad if you disappeared.

You deserve happiness. You will be in my thoughts.

Pearl C. Pritchard said...

Oh crap. Don't be embarrassed because it's happened to everyone. But it sucks and I'm really sorry to hear this.

K.

Mike Golch said...

Bummer, sorry that happened.I'm glad that you did noy delete your blog.I would have missed you.Big time hugs my friend.

Julie Pippert said...

So sorry, loss and transition are so hard, but I'm glad you decided to stay in the community so we can support you. (hug)

Scout said...

I'm sorry.

BipolarLawyerCook said...

I am so, so sorry. And so sorry to have been absent until now. And keeping you in my thoughts for happy healing times with your BFF and other people who love you, even virtually.

Zenmomma said...

Please add my name to the long list of blogger friends who are there for you. I'm so sorry you have to go through the pain of a separation, but definitely don't be embarrassed for loving someone fully. That's a beautiful thing for however long it lasts.

I'm glad you decided to stick around. The internets needs you.

JCK said...

I'm so, so glad you didn't delete your blog. You are a part of a community of women who care about you. As you can see here with all the lovely comments.

Mrs. T said...

Oh, I am so sorry to hear that you and S ended your relationship- not easy to do.
I hope 2009 brings you better days.